Waiter, Puh-leeze...

Consider this somewhat a public service.

I've recently semi-retired after 51 years of working.

During that time I've written a dozen books, run assembly lines, run chicken houses for an egg layer (that was at age eighteen,) served as volunteer fire-fighter and EMT, run a successful business, received a bach in Banking/Economics/Finance, blah blah blah till you're bored to tears, between full time and part-time gigs two, three, four at a time or a 50+ salary, I've put in a solid fifty-one years. Nineteen-seventy-three to twenty-twenty-five.

During that time, I've trained and learned from some of the best. Run kitchens for Norwegian Cruise Lines of America to Maldaners of Springfield, where Abe Lincoln used to go across the street to eat lunch.

I've trained under world-class chefs, including Bill Williams of Miami Lakes Racket Room, at Piney Point for NCLA, and Mike Higgins of Maldaners in Springfield Illinois who, the year before he hired me, ran the top-rated restaurant in San Francisco.

As a result, I can usually boil water without burning it.

I'm not picky. While I've catered to epicurean clubs, I'm not a culinary snob. A plate of decent food, served while still fresh and with a smile, I'm happy.

But while there are really good places in the Wheeling area (Tony & Cleo's, Later Gator, Good MansionWine, Texas Road House but four,) I've also had the worst service in my life. I will not go to these places. (Two local favorites had disgustingly filthy kitchens so NOPE as well.) One: Not the very worst, but bad enough. After a long wait for service, the serverthen forgetting my drink and having to reorder, then forgetting to come back and take my order, then bringing me the wrong food, he blatantly said his "ten top is more important." Sorry, any guest is as important as another. He had eleven important guests or was a terrible server. And was still charged for food I didn't order.

Two: Imagine ordering your breakfast food at a place you're giving a third chance to do decent. In other towns its a favorite chain. You never see your server again after your coffee. You wait because you won't have time to go elsewhere before business. The other server doesn't come near your table. When she does, she zips off and brings you three plates. The meat has literally blackened away, the hash browns are dry, the eggs solid rubber. Visibly and texturally destroyed. The pancakes are solid discs, they CLANKED against the table. Wish I exagerated.

The cashier tries to charge you, the manager sees you and when you try to call him over he speeds off in the other direction. OUCH. Cashier still charges you for coffee.

Three: After five things wrong with our food, (Like wife, who ordered gravy on side to dip beef in was covered and my light gravy had none,) server wanted to argue we ordered it the way she brought it, then instead of offering to fix it walked away with a "Whatever."

So as a public service: A ten point outline for good service.

1. Greet guests, introduce self, ask if ready for drink order." (If refills offered, keep glasses, cups topped through meal. After meal ask before refills.)

2. When drink order is given, "Have you looked over our tasty appetizers?"

3. When ready, appetizer order.

4. Take order. Appetizers should come at least ten minutes before the meal, if meal and aps taken at same time.

5. Deliver meal

6. Check back should be within two minutes. "How is everything?

7. Clear plates if finished. If unsure, ask.

8. "Room for desert?"

9. After desert, does anyone need go boxes?

10. Deliver check, "No rush, and please come back and see us." And if they linger, pay an occasional check up.

These are guidelines.Sometimes they won't want this, or want extra of that, they'll add to orders, skip steps, etcetera. Stay flexible. Maybe they have a problem. Keep the smile. Its business. B-U-S-I-N-E-S-S. If needed, grab a manager. Breath deep, r-e-l-a-x. Most servers want to do a good job and deliver a good product to people.

If you don't care, its probably time to get out of the business.